It's been in the making...

I haven't posted in awhile but things have been busy but amazing.
I got a new job at Growing Seeds and I'm the toddler teacher in the Hazel Room. I absolutely love it so far although I worked six days in a row to get everything ready. This weekend was definitely needed to catch up on some sleep and relaxation. I'm hoping this is a place where I can plant some roots again and learn and grow.
I also convinced Layne that we needed another cat. Thus enters Gob. I found him on craigslist and he's white with a big bushy tail. He's got a bit of gray on his head that makes him look like a little old man. He's 6 months old and full of energy. He's manages to keep Penny on her toes and also mellowed her out. Yay!
I also volunteered to watch Alyssa's kitten Pablo for a few months until she moves back out of her parent's house. We have a full house but it's so fun to watch them play and snuggle.

Because I got money from the IRS, Layne and I are going to buy a really nice desktop computer in a couple of weeks. It's a really good deal and has everything he needs to be able to record. I wanted to play with my money and maybe get my tattoos but we need a computer more.
Damn adult decisions!

Deflated

I'm at this point in my life where I'm so burnt out on every schedule I have that finding the inspiration to get up in the morning is becoming increasingly more difficult. I don't know if I'm just feeling this way because I've been sick and have had that extra strain or because I truly feel so disenchanted about life. I wish I had the power to change this but unfortunately I have to do the more responsible thing and stick with a job I have no love for and a life I have no feeling for. I don't necessarily hate my every day life, I just sort of nothing it. I don't have a strong feeling either way and that's extremely frustrating. I feel so numb and I manage to just get through the motions without much issue, but that's sort of the problem. I want to feel something about what I do. I want to come home each day saying, "That was such a fun day!" and at the very least, "That day was almost impossible to get through!" It sucks when you finally realize that you're working to strictly live and and survive. I've always worked because I needed the money but I never really thought of that. I've always enjoyed what I do and always wanted to get up each day and conquer the things ahead of me. Now when I wake up, all I can think of is to go back to bed and hope that when I wake up, I might feel something. I know this seems extremely whiny and that I should be thankful to have a job in this economic climate and I am, but this is the first time I'm dealing with the thought that maybe I'm not meant to work with kids and that I've only been doing it because it was something I was good at and something I could do better than a lot of other people. I don't think being a nanny was ever for me. I hate being cooped up in a house where I have to practically beg to be able to take the kids anywhere and to feel that for as long as I've been there, I still don't feel like a part of the family. I love Hallie and Harrison and have always made sure that I was my best self for them and I'm finding that I'm not right now and that maybe it's not the best situation for anyone anymore. It's just hard to step out of something, even something like this, and start anew. I keep hoping if I dig deeper I can find something to hold on to that will keep me there and make me happy but nothing's working out. I just want to love waking up in the morning again.

Syndrome

In those wonderfully rare instances I'm reminded of the fragility of life.
How we have the capability to throw it away at the drop of a dime.
And how truly startling that is.

I have some revisiting into my own past to help somebody's future.
And even though it's going to be hard, I'm going to do it.
Because for whatever reason, somebody gave me this miraculous capacity to take care of other people. It would be terribly foolish of me to waste it because I have little ability to take care of myself and because I've been there and I know. Instead of pulling the "do as I say and not as I do", I have a greater responsibility. I have to coach someone through a personal rocky road with only my own experiences to forge some kind of path for them.
But I'll do it.
Because if I want them to know anything, it's that they're worth it.

Kerry Layne

I realized today that I have found a love that most people search for their entire lives. I have my everything all wrapped up into one amazing person. I have my boyfriend, my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my comedian, my family, my support, my therapist, my superhero, my cuddler, my confidant, and my partner in crime. I still can't believe that of all the people, he chose me. I know that most people assume that I've helped Layne into adulthood which is true, but I think if you were to really look inside of us you'd see how much more he has affected me. Until I met him, I never knew how much I had missed out on. I feel like he was the missing piece to myself. I have poured every ounce I have into him and let him experience all the ugly and horrible versions of myself and everyday he's still here. Everyday he tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. He forces me to be everything I ever hoped to be. I feel like a lifetime of servitude could never thank whoever dropped him into my life. He is every boy I ever dreamt about growing up. He's every prince charming, every fairy tale, and every happy ending. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for him. I'm so lucky to hold his hand while we face everything that life throws at us and to grow up together in the safety we've created for each other. I couldn't make it without him.

Paroxetine

This week I've found myself completely overwhelmed with feelings of social anxiety and a general sense of falling back into old trends. I worry why this is happening since I've been on my Paxil for a year and a half with no such issues. I don't want to have to go through the grueling process of weening myself off and adjusting my body to a new medication. The thought of this alone sends me into a fit of anxiety. I wonder if my body's given up reacting to it after so long? I've only had a few issues with it such as weight gain and if I miss a dosage, I get very ill. I have a feeling I'm going to have to buck up and take care of myself before it starts to bleed into other aspects of my life again. I need to try and a find a new doctor's office who can really work with me. I think part of my anxiety is the frustration I feel towards the clinic. My old doctor was the only reason I was able to conquer all of this in the first place and without him helping me, I feel a bit lost. It takes weeks to get into the clinic and then nobody seems to want to solve my problems. I'm going to dig a bit deeper into my health care options in regards to my plan and see if I can hunt somebody better down.
Until then, I apologize for any odd behavior. I'm not quite feeling like myself.