Deflated

I'm at this point in my life where I'm so burnt out on every schedule I have that finding the inspiration to get up in the morning is becoming increasingly more difficult. I don't know if I'm just feeling this way because I've been sick and have had that extra strain or because I truly feel so disenchanted about life. I wish I had the power to change this but unfortunately I have to do the more responsible thing and stick with a job I have no love for and a life I have no feeling for. I don't necessarily hate my every day life, I just sort of nothing it. I don't have a strong feeling either way and that's extremely frustrating. I feel so numb and I manage to just get through the motions without much issue, but that's sort of the problem. I want to feel something about what I do. I want to come home each day saying, "That was such a fun day!" and at the very least, "That day was almost impossible to get through!" It sucks when you finally realize that you're working to strictly live and and survive. I've always worked because I needed the money but I never really thought of that. I've always enjoyed what I do and always wanted to get up each day and conquer the things ahead of me. Now when I wake up, all I can think of is to go back to bed and hope that when I wake up, I might feel something. I know this seems extremely whiny and that I should be thankful to have a job in this economic climate and I am, but this is the first time I'm dealing with the thought that maybe I'm not meant to work with kids and that I've only been doing it because it was something I was good at and something I could do better than a lot of other people. I don't think being a nanny was ever for me. I hate being cooped up in a house where I have to practically beg to be able to take the kids anywhere and to feel that for as long as I've been there, I still don't feel like a part of the family. I love Hallie and Harrison and have always made sure that I was my best self for them and I'm finding that I'm not right now and that maybe it's not the best situation for anyone anymore. It's just hard to step out of something, even something like this, and start anew. I keep hoping if I dig deeper I can find something to hold on to that will keep me there and make me happy but nothing's working out. I just want to love waking up in the morning again.

Syndrome

In those wonderfully rare instances I'm reminded of the fragility of life.
How we have the capability to throw it away at the drop of a dime.
And how truly startling that is.

I have some revisiting into my own past to help somebody's future.
And even though it's going to be hard, I'm going to do it.
Because for whatever reason, somebody gave me this miraculous capacity to take care of other people. It would be terribly foolish of me to waste it because I have little ability to take care of myself and because I've been there and I know. Instead of pulling the "do as I say and not as I do", I have a greater responsibility. I have to coach someone through a personal rocky road with only my own experiences to forge some kind of path for them.
But I'll do it.
Because if I want them to know anything, it's that they're worth it.